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chicagobarnacle
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Interests: Dance. Reading. Wizard Rock. Weird Al Yankovic (the most amazing person ever). Juanes. Latino music in general. Films by Pedro Almodovar. Soundtracks. Harry Potter. Movies. Long walks on the beach.
Expertise: I'm more of a Renaissance woman than an expert on anything.
Occupation: Computer related (Internet)
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/13/2004
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| I'll start where my last entry left off: I went to the leasing office and they said that I could leave my lease as long as I could get someone else to enter in my place. So, I told my roommate I wanted to leave and she said she'd start looking for a replacement roommate. That was a little over a month ago, but with Christmas and the economy and everything, she hasn't been able to find one yet.
I found my dream apartment. Basically, it's exactly like this one, but the patio faces the pond, which would be really nice for summer barbecues and whatnot. Oh, how I dream of all the things I'll do with this new apartment. It will be magnificent. I have dreams and fantasies constantly about having my own apartment. In the meantime, I'm still tormented by my current roommate, but I'll live through it because I have a dream, a dream which will hopefully come true before someone else snags my dream apartment.
So... past misery. My brother's best friend made a comment a few weeks ago about how I used to seem really angry when I was in high school. I was a bit taken aback by his observation because I didn't think of my high school years as being particularly unhappy. But when I was home for the holidays, I went through all my old notebooks so that I could read all my short stories and poems from my adolescence, and I saw the anger and unhappiness he had referred to.
There was so much anguish in all of them. Of course, that's the way most poetry is written; when someone's miserable. Poems about how happy we are would just be boring, and they wouldn't get written anyway because happy people are too busy being happy to write about it. Miserable people have no other way to express themselves because the people around them are tired of hearing their tales of woe.
Turns out that a couple of the poems might make catchy songs, which I realized when I started pairing them with the 5 chords I know. I can officially open up a MySpace music page since I've now come up with a very short Wizard Wrock song. Now I just have to learn how to use technology to make a recording... I feel so old.
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| I'm very seriously considering the option to terminate my lease early. I honestly don't know how much longer I can continue living with my roommate. I don't want to be a douche and leave her high and dry without a roommate, but I am so miserable here that I really think I'll leave.
I even tore my room apart looking for a copy of my lease, but I couldn't find it. So, I think I'll go into the leasing office this week (hopefully tomorrow) and look over the lease to see what the clause is about early termination. If they have another apartment open and I could get out of my current lease without much consequence, I think I'll do that.
Of course, I'm terrified of the awkward confrontation that would inevitably follow. "Hey, Roommate. I've been thinking for awhile and I've decided that I'm going to move into another apartment. I just don't think it's working out and I feel that I'll be happier living by myself." And then come the follow-up questions with awkward answers:
When are you leaving? Today (I don't trust you not to go crazy and burn all my stuff)
But you signed a contract to pay half the rent! Well, technically the lease says I can leave (I hope to God it says I can leave)
Why? It's just not working out. (I don't like you and your mere presence makes me uncomfortable)
It's not fair to expect me to find a roommate in the middle of the school year. I've paid up through January to give you plenty of time to find a new roommate (But I can't help you find a roommate, even though it would be the nice thing to do, because I wouldn't wish you on a snake)
I'm also worried because what if she tries to sue me for the remaining rent? She is the most un-Christian churchgoer I have ever met in my life, and I wouldn't put it past her. This is the third time in my life that I made a very serious decision against my friends' advice and I have regretted it. Maybe I should always listen to my friends. Sigh.
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| I used to bemoan all the seemingly asexual men at the University of Chicago. But I'm starting to think that maybe they were on to something.
I mean, if you don't concern yourself with romantic affairs, there are no days spent anxiously checking for messages. Wondering what the other person is thinking, if they're mad at you, if you've hurt them, if you bore them, if they're losing interest, and the list goes on and on and on. And even when you tell yourself that you won't get hurt, even when you do everything possible so that you don't get hurt, you always end up hurt one way or another. Even when he's done nothing to hurt you.
I know exactly where my downfall lies. It was when I was 16 and I fell in love for the first time. Until then, I didn't know obsession or heartache. I caused others pain but couldn't relate to that pain, and therefore, couldn't understand the full depths of it. And once I felt that elation of love and its inevitable pain, I knew. And now I'm cursed.
Don't get me wrong; I'm glad I fell in love. I just wish it hadn't made me a raving lunatic. Every man I love drives me crazy; or rather, I drive myself crazy on account of him. With some people, it works. Like with Greg. He knew what I wanted and what I needed and we complemented each other enough that he could keep my craziness at a relatively low level. But what about guys who are emotionally unavailable/shallow, workaholics who can't/won't invest the time necessary to keep me sane, or guys who are a little too friendly with the ladies (leaving me in a secret burning jealous panic)? They can't compete with my insanity. They can't deal. They can't possibly combat it.
And when I realize this, I try to do damage control, but my own acute awareness of insanity makes me wonder: What if he's insane, too? Meaning, if I leave him on account of not wanting to get hurt, what if I hurt him and he feels just as bad as I would have? And in thinking about that possibility, I start to feel hurt because I'm such a jerk and I may have hurt him. And - guess what - now I'm hurt. I've hurt myself to avoid getting hurt.
I am ridiculous. But maybe I wouldn't be if I didn't invest myself romantically.... but I think I'd still be caught up in it somehow, unless I made myself so unattractive that men ceased to take notice of me.
And then I think, if I just busied myself with my own affairs - my friends, my music, my books, etc - maybe I wouldn't get as anxious about men. Maybe I wouldn't get obsessive or jealous or spend all my time worrying. And in the process, I'd make myself into a more attractive person and I'd be happier. I just don't know. All I do know is that men are poison to my sanity.
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| It's 75 degrees in my apartment. I can't wait to live alone.
It's completely my fault that I'm in the situation I'm in. (Yes, I know I just ended that sentence with a preposition.) I re-signed a lease to live with a girl that I'm not friends with, knowing that we would never become friends, that living with her kind of hampers my social life, etc. But I was stubborn. I love my apartment. I bought all of my furniture specifically so that it would fit the exact dimensions of my room and I didn't want to have to find another apartment and pay twice as much in rent.
And now that I've made my bed I must lie in it.
Things that would be different if I had the apartment to myself:
1. I wouldn't have such a big, ugly stack of cardboard boxes in the dining room. Any boxes or other items I did have would be covered with a pretty Chinese screen.
2. I would have a giant flat screen television with really good speakers.
3. The kitchen counters would not be piled high with pizza boxes and buckets from KFC.
4. I would invite people over without fear that someone would be sleeping on the living room sofa and watching BET all night.
5. I would invite guys over and we would do whatever the hell we want.
6. My life-size cardboard cut-out of Legolas would be in the dining room or living room.
7. There would be more decorations on the walls.
8. My bedroom would never smell like Nigerian food.
9. There would be no tele-evangelists on the TV at night.
10. There would be lots of Star Trek on the agenda.
11. The sink would not be full of dirty dishes swimming in gross water.
12. It would be maybe 72 degrees while I'm awake instead of 75.
13. It would be 68 degrees when I sleep instead of 75.
14. It would be 60-65 degrees when I'm gone for the day instead of 75.
15. I would never come home to find the door chained shut and have to pound on the door and repeatedly call my roommate to have her come open the door.
16. The living room would be full of bookshelves and I would put whatever books and movies on them, without worrying about a crazy religious roommate who's afraid that the titles on my book spines might not "reflect her tastes."
17. I would actually spend time in the living room, sitting on the furniture that I bought with my own money, because I wouldn't have to worry that my quiet reading would be interrupted by noisy television, wouldn't have to worry that my movies would be interrupted by noisy blenders, and wouldn't feel uncomfortable just being in the same room with the person who lives there.
Okay. I'm done venting. I can tell you one thing: I'm looking forward to next August.
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| I fit into my old jeans again. Thank you, Weight Watchers.
Additionally, I bought sheet music today, which I haven't done in over a year. I'm also thinking of taking up the guitar again and possibly buying a keyboard.
Other hobbies I'd like to take up:
Motorcycle riding
Shooting
Horseback riding
I've stopped watching TV (except for Gossip Girl) and don't watch my DVDs as much anymore. The books I've been reading have really opened up my eyes to all the experiences I haven't had and the ones I miss from my past. Which I guess is why I'm interested in so many things again.
I also started dancing again and feel so happy.
I think Michigan is good for me, despite the serious lack of hard core Harry Potter fans. And if I were still the praying type, I would thank God for Wizard Rockers and Twi-Rock. And podcasters.
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